Today was one of those days where I got failure data at nearly every corner. I'm exaggerating a bit but then that's what I do! I exaggerate. I say "a million" in place of... 12. I say "I'm SOOO tired," in place of "I'm tired." As if the exaggeration somehow makes it better. Regardless of my exaggeration habits, it was still one of "those" days.
Getting feedback or failing isn't usually a big problem for me. I've always tried to take a really positive position on "failing" and what that meant for me, but sometimes I fail at that. Yes, I think I meant to be ironic. Not just ironic, but TOTALLY ironic (exaggeration habit, just in case you needed a flashing arrow). I think that I seem to have a problem with it when the failure feedback feels more like a punishment than anything else. I don't know why that aspect really bothers me but I've seen it crop up a few times in the last several weeks so its worth looking at.
My day started out with a meeting that failed to happen. This wasn't a big deal at all as its just the nature of the biz. Going forward, however, I decided to make boiled eggs for breakfast (as is my usual course) and one of my eggs began to chirp after it was boiled. Now... a chirping egg is kind of creepy, but a chirping BOILED egg was like a ghost was sitting right next to me petting my hair and singing eerie songs to me. I was sitting in a stricken panic as I tried to find logic in what was happening. I think I sat there, thinking or trying to think, for 15 minutes before I even thought to google the chirping boiled egg and get information on it. My mind was filled with horrid thoughts of a melted baby chic letting out its last few chirps. By the time I started my research, I was convinced that the baby chic, who's name would have been Reba, must have had its little beak melted off during the boiling process and was just sitting in the egg trapped, crying to be let loose. It couldn't crack its way out because the beak was melted. it couldn't move because its body was melted. It could only chirp.
Google says that boiled egg will chirp when air is forced through its porous membranes.
Well, okay. I'm still not going to eat eggs any time soon.
The whole day was kind of like that. Events happened, I reacted and stayed in that "mood" for a while.
Later I was hanging out with some amazing friends of mine, talking about my reactions to the chirping and everything else. I was re-living the emotions of the day while talking to them and suddenly found myself embarrassed and unable to really focus. What happened next, however, was so cool that I don't know if I'll ever forget the experience. My friend, who is an actress, took me through a series of emotion changes that completely got me out of my embarrassment state. The process was SO amazing. I went from embarrassed, to DEEPLY embarrassed, to calmer, to excited to intense and then to peacefulness. It was the first real experience I have ever had with any sort of "being the thing I'm thinking about" which some may call acting.
Anyway, my walk tonight was much shorter than usual so I'm going to try to opt for a slightly longer one tomorrow. I only went for 20 minutes tonight. I'm beginning to feel a bit unsafe in my neighborhood, so the later I procrastinate the walk, the shorter it gets.
In other news, my birthday party is coming up soon! I'm in the process of changing venues for it to a Vancouver based venue to make it easier for the guests to show up. It should be fun and probably my biggest party yet, if all goes according to my plans at any rate. I'll be 29 on Monday! One more year till 30! The party an 80s themed potluck style event. I have to get an outfit still. Mari and Britt are going to load an 80s playlist on one of their iPods to play throughout the evening. Hopefully the weather will be excited for my party as well!
I have an early day tomorrow, meetings meetings meetings. Time to retire for the night.
"Your face is your fortune, so some wise man spoke. My face is my fortune, that's why I'm totally broke." ~Bette Midler
The last couple of months or so I've been really focused on my body and what's going on with it. I've been severely obese for the last 10 years and have never really felt motivated, without the accompanied low self-esteem feelings of doom and gloom and outcast, to change my situation. Trying to change your body because you feel bad about yourself is the fastest road to not actually loosing weight, from my experience.
I was walking down a hill here in Burnaby about a month and a half ago, when I suddenly felt this great big flash of lightening hit my brain. As "Hook's" Smee said, "I fink I just had an apostrophe!" It was one of those moments where a thought comes into your brain and changes the way you see the world. Anyway, I was walking down the hill minding my own business when I thought, "I don't need pop." That single thought seemingly changed the way I view my body and health forever. As I continued down the hill, I felt happy that I had come to such a conclusion. I've had thousands of people suggest to me that I give up Dr. Pepper and pop in general. I always fought the idea because I was the Dr. Pepper Girl! I liked that I was defined that way and I couldn't imagine giving up that piece of me. This wonderful realization I had was a recognition that Dr. Pepper and pop doesn't actually define me at all. And that life IS much better and more energetic without the need for this inanimate object to define me.
Ever since then I've been on this journey to trade out all of the unhealthy activities I have allowed myself to do for healthy ones. I'm starting my new weight loss goal plan with a cleanse.
Cleanses are interesting. Either you're the kind of person who is vehemently against using natural herbs and elements to adjust your body, or you're the kind of person who thinks its okay. Very rarely have I ran into someone who was apathetic or without opinion on the matter. This cleanse that I'm doing is different than most as it lets you eat food, which is great. Its called the Wild Rose cleanse. I'm only on day one of it but I'm feeling optimistic.
As part of my new choice in a healthy lifestyle, I'm having to learn everything about food and proteins and calories and vitamins, etc. I've chosen to go vegetarian for a while, possibly forever, but at least until I get my weight to a healthy status, so I have to be careful to eat foods that have protein in them and get a well balanced set of food. Once I get my metabolism on the right path, I don't think that it'll be difficult to shed the pounds.
Exercise is also key to this whole healthy thing. Every day I'm walking a minimum of 15 minutes but in reality I'm actually walking close to 45 minutes every day. 30 more consistent days of doing this and reporting it and I'll be able to add another exercise to my routine.
So, I'm right on the cusp of some big changes for me. Its incredible to think of the potential that could come out of it!
Mari, my lovely roommate asked me the other day, "Tabby, when you're skinny do you think you will look as pretty?" I thought to myself a bit and smiled. "As always," I responded. Yay for health goals!
Everyone has their own method in curing the hiccups. What is yours?
I've been thinking about the phrase "to beat the odds" for the last few days and find how interesting it is that this phrase means something totally different to each individual. In particular, I was thinking about a romantic relationship I recently got out of, and what it was that I gained from that relationship. I think that there's something to be said about a person when they're attempting to "beat the odds" of whatever situation applies to them, and I think that's one of the things that most attracted me to my ex.
Sometimes, the only way to truly understand a person is to really try to imagine how you might feel if you were in their shoes, walking their mile. Sometimes that's hard to do, but necessary to fully understand and have compassion.
Today marks a significant anniversary for me and my ex. It was a year ago today that she attempted to "beat the odds" of her leaving her safe, free, loving home to live on her own. Her odds were stacked against her from the start, but she was able to beat them for many months. It reminds me of the determination I had as a college freshman, leaving home for the first time ever, determined that I didn't need anyone in order to survive. There's been a significant amount of mistakes between then and now. The initial moving stage was fearful. I had no idea how to do anything that my parents typically did for me, although I was probably more self-sufficient than many teens since I had been taught a lot of different things growing up about living and fixing things and chores, etc.
The feeling of not knowing the next stage was not fun. I think for me personally that's about the age that I decided that decisions were not for me. I started defaulting to the first choice anyone ever gave me, because I didn't want to weigh all of the options due to that icky yucky fear I had about being self-sufficient. Besides, picking the first choice WAS deciding, or so I told myself.
Bringing that back around, now that I've reveled in my own past, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Heather to leave her home and try to make it on her own. I think that to deal with that must have taken quite a bit of courage, considering she had considerable less knowledge of the real world that I did at the time. I know that her acts of courage lead me to be a considerably different person in the world and in the way I see things, and ultimately, I thank her for the wonderful experiences she brought to my life!
Over the years that I've had the privilege of walking this great earth, I've experienced nearly every natural disaster except for a tsunami (*knocks on desk*). Having experienced larger earthquakes, although nothing on the scale of China's most recent quake, tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, floods, etc the one common thread that I have found is the strong pull and binding of humanity that occurs during and after the disasters.
The strongest efforts I've experienced personally and been a part of was the restorations of the Hawaiian islands after hurricane Iniki on a 9/11 before 9/11 was anything spectacular, in 1992. Hmmm, having just seen those numbers it would have looked much cooler if it had happened the year earlier... 9/11/1991. But it didn't, and that's not the point. After the hurricane ripped through the pacific islands at 140mph, it left an entire island destroyed and much damage on the surrounding islands. My family did as much as we could to help restore our state ranging from cleanups to financial donations. I can remember, to this day, what it meant to be cleaning up debris for neighbors and friends. It was a contribution; a feeling of complete belonging to where I lived.
I'm thankful for those moments, to be honest. I would never be the person to say that "good things come out of tragedies" because I am not sure I really believe in tragedies to begin with, personally (although I recognize that thought may be different for any other reader), but I can say that its a beautiful thing that occurs when humanity is in the most dire state of existence. China's earthquake, Thailand's tsunami, New Orleans hurricane, California fires are all blatant examples of how everyone tries to get involved and how they see and understand their direct relationship with the earth. Your sole survival relies on the participation you have within the community. I'm reading stories of rescue workers finding live people in rubble, children being pulled out of buildings alive an orphaned, a rescue worker stepping up to feed orphaned infants with her own breast milk, of which without this incredible act, the infants would surely have died. Its a state where there are no obligations, only a natural state of giving and taking. This amazing example of humanity gives way to rebuilding a stronger community and avoiding the "tragedy" again.
So my question now is... wouldn't it be beautiful if our world could exist with this breath-taking example of humanity all of the time?
Think about it.
Have you ever watched a tea kettle do its job? What about a toaster? If you have, have you ever paid attention to how you felt while watching the tea kettle or toaster? There's always this point where time seems to slow down and every second feels like a minute. But more than that, there's a build-up of ... "something" in ourselves as we anticipate the high pitched scream emerge from the pot or the always alarming "pop" of the toaster. Can you feel that?
Great! That's how I'm feeling today. For some reason I have all of these amazing ideas brewing for my script, some poems, a painting, some photography, etc but the execution is feeling a bit fearful for me. My life for the last 5 years has been very digitally oriented. I write pseudo code in my sleep, for crying out loud. Executing the creative side of me seems like its going to be a bit of work, I'll have to wipe the dust and cobwebs off of that part of my brain and get to work. Maybe I'll write a song. Maybe I'll get more of my book done. There's probably an unending list of stuff I could accomplish; stuff that I left hanging out to dry years ago.
Poems were rolling in my head the other night, as I slept. It was strange, actually. I'm used to working out complex algorithms in my sleep. That started about 7 years ago when I was preparing for the A+ exam, I dreamed that I was labeling parts of a printer. From then on I would work out code or problem spots as I lay down, asleep or not. So poems were new or me. Of course I don't remember the words of most of them now. I just remember the feeling I had. Anger. Its of course something I want to really look into, but it was there, nonetheless. Most of the poems I was writing seemed aimed at my parents, which doesn't necessarily seem surprising for most of the world, but I'm nearly thirty years old! I kinda feel like any issues I seriously had with my parents should be long over by now. I guess that's a lie I told myself.
Oh well! I'm off to be creative! I think this is going to be wonderfully fun! Love you peoples!
So! I gave up pop 12 days ago. For the first few days some of my friends kept asking me how I felt, physically. Honestly, I hadn't felt really different at all.
It isn't really until today that I think I feel differently. I realized two days ago that my internal clock seems to be much more right-on with regards to waking up at a decent hour. I generally have energy to get through the day now without the need for a nap. I still drink caffeine some mornings but its not even a requirement so that may be the next thing to go. I'll switch coffee with tea.
On the lines of life-changes... I'm meeting with Sarah on Tuesday to start my new food lifestyle. We were supposed to meet yesterday but having a contagious throat infection put a damper on that. She and I are going over what kinds of food to mix and what not (for instance, apparently one should never mix carbs and proteins! Sad Face at Sandwiches), and then a cooking lesson. In exchange I'll be teaching her more about her website. :)
I'm taking the "natural path" from here on out. I have no idea what that means, to be honest, but I think it means nothing white (i.e. white rice, white bread, white pasta) and lots of herbs and natural, non-processed foods. I'm switching my coffee cream out with almond milk.
My goal is to loose 25 lbs in three months. and then another 25 in 3, etc. until i get down to 145. Its only 100 pounds to loose! so that shouldn't take me more than two years... given that there likely will be failures. My first weight-in yesterday was 250.6. Go Team Tabby!
I'm trying out this facebook application made by SixApart that allows the user to post to multiple blogs from one easy interface.
Lets see how well it works!
